I am not going to lie. Berkeley is no joke. Don’t get me wrong, I am loving it BUT seriously, my brain won’t store all this shit. LOL First week & I am EXHAUSTED. This is what I wanted tho right? TWO YEARS.
So classes haven’t started but I moved in on the 23rd. My first day in my dorm was HELL. I was so depressed. I honestly wanted to leave & never go back. The next day I felt the same way…until we had our floor meeting. It was the most amazing thing ever. That evening I met everyone on the floor & a lot of my floor mates came to check out our room & it felt amazing to bond with everyone. Ever since then, we all see each other in the bathroom or around the floor & we always talk. It is not awkward anymore. It is the best feeling because we all know each other. I have made friends. I am very social & for me to have felt that way was scary. I have never felt that way before but I think the main reason why that happened is because my roommates don’t really like to socialize, except one but the other never comes out. I really don’t know how it is going to go BUT I will definitely have a blast this year. My room was is always closed…but I live there too I am older than them. I need to care less about others & worry about myself too. I am very selfish with myself so I have been keeping the door open even if it bothers her. Everything will fall into place & great things will happen. I am ready for this school year.
Not proofreading because I need to let my feelings out. So expect a bunch of grammatical errors, punctuation, typos, all that crap.
My aunt is rich as fuck. A thousand dollars is one dollar to her. I had the guts to call her & ask her to help me out with college. She said she would lend me money, I asked for $2,000.00 because that is all I need. She asked me when I will pay her back…I wanted to tell her so many things. I am your fucking niece why wouldn’t you help me out? If she knows how much my family & I are struggling, why did she have to ask when I will pay her back…the way she asked me was so egocentric. Like okay I know you are rich but seriously, you do not want to help me out with what seems to be two dollars for you, but you pay for my flight to Denver to visit you for a week? She then messaged me giving me info about loans, educating me. BITCH. I know about loans. I know about low income families. Apparently, since she has all the money in the world, she does not know what people like me go through. I was the one EDUCATING HER.
She then sent me a message after two days & these are her exact words:
"PS. The one thing I would say & maybe I shouldn’t say anything - is I would try to find a major where you could earn more money."
To me, this was a humiliation. Just because my family & I do not have money now does not mean I will be financially unstable for the rest of my life. This is exactly why I am doing what I am doing. SOCIOLOGY. My major helps me learn more about my country, & what people like me have to face in real life. The struggles of our everyday lives & why these things happen. I want to get my MSW in order to help people like me & educate the rich about the poor because they are so ignorant. I felt so great educating my aunt because she always wants to be right, but I put her in her place & I implied calling her stupid.
I am so sad people like her don’t know what real life is like. They have all this money & are super selfish. Egoist humans. No matter how much that hurt, I will show her my major will earn me lots of money because I can do so much with it & I will prove myself I can do anything I want, regardless of my career because in the end, I will be super happy with my life. I will have a family of my own & I will be financially stable.
& If I ever become rich, I will help LOW INCOME FAMILIES & STUDENTS BECAUSE I KNOW HOW HARD IT IS.
Today I got to experience something new with a completely different Emanuel. During our first year he wanted to introduce me to his grandma but never had the chance to cuz he hardly ever saw her. & today he took me out for lunch, we got in the car & he drove me to this unknown place. I was puzzled. He watched me closely as I stepped out of the car. We walked in & he smiled super big as soon as he saw her.
He tried waking her up but she was knocked out. I have never seen Emanuel like this before. He was SOOOO HAPPY TO SEE HIS GRANDMA. He was glad because I finally got to meet her. The way he touched her hands…the way he whispered her name in her ear…the way he talked to her. It was priceless. I will never in my life forget this day.
I have so much more respect for this guy & I witnessed something I never thought I would. It was like a movie. It felt surreal. It was so cute.
I’m having an easier time buying clothes that fit well and look good. It’s not just because my tastes have changed though; my body looks better as well.
MY LIFE IS A MESS & I BLAME MONEY FOR IT
Honestly, people say money is not happiness but it kinda fucking is. I am over here worrying about money. My mom lives CHECK BY CHECK. She is raising 5 children including me & I want to fucking help her but I CAN’T. When I start college, I will hopefully be doing work-study but that money will go towards tuition…it’s only 2k but still. I hate seeing my mom killing herself to pay for rent, or car insurance. Something really bad happened recently & all the money I have been saving up will go to waste. Money is obviously my unhappiness & I do not get how all these rich people do not care about people like me. I care about my fucking education, I care about others like me who are low income or do not have a dad. I care about children who are fucking starving, & families who suffer. Students who give up their dreams to help out their families because a family matters & there is NOT ENOUGH MONEY. I see these rich people treating their dogs & cats like freaking royalty. Buying them expensive food, THEY ARE ANIMALS I AM A HUMAN BEING & do not get that shit. Spending thousands of dollars for a summer camp. My mom is killing herself at work trying to get all this money that these rich people are spending on their pets, or camps, or the gym, or organic food. Seriously? Money is fucking happiness. If my family & I had that money, we wouldn’t be struggling. I would be the happiest person right now if I was rich. Yeah I’d have problems, but I would definitely be better off than others. But that is not the case & I just hope that I can make a difference some fucking day because I hate seeing myself struggle, I hate seeing my family struggle. I just need a dad I need some support. No one understands my life. Fuck all those rich people who do not give a crap about everyone else.